I wish I could teleport
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
