I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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