The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
