Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
