I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
