I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
