In the future we'll all be gay
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
