Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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