He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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