all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
cat food counts as protein by the way
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
