tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
