I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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