I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
