this beer tastes like vomit already
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
