he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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