He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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