i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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