I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
