How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
