My room smells like vodka and shame
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
