I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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