Just cropdusted the office
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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