Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
