nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
