You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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