Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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