the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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