8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
