I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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