Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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