Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
