I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
