margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
