i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
