I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
MIDGETS
????
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
