I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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