So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
