omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
