Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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