please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
