If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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