so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
