Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
