My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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