Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
