I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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