I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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