I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
