i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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