they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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