That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
no you cant smoke seaweed
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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