I don't usually arrange sex via text message
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
