The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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