Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
