how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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