just tell him i said nine months
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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