i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
