$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
